Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Your lucky numbers today are 10 14 52 64 7 2. Go bet your life savings on the lotto. You’re getting better odds than when you sit down at the poker table.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Beware the Matador!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)
The Hilton Sisters are your lucky hand.
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
Just be happy that your sign wasn’t genital herpes.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Your astrological symbol, the lion, is a fearless and strong predator. The lion instinctively seeks out the weakest of the herd and then attacks ferociously. Unfortunately, you’re nothing like the lion. You’re just a typical Party maniac who caps it pre-flop with hands like Q7o.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Your sign is a VIRGIN!!!! You couldn’t get lucky at the Bunny Ranch with a $1000 bill safety-pinned to your shirt. Since getting lucky is out of the question, you better have a good hand!
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)
You will meet a tall, dark, handsome man. That man will work for casino security and ask you to put your pants back on as you are not playing online poker.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21)
Your astrological sign is a cheesy character on daytime soap operas. That’s as good as life is gonna get for you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Even if all the planets aligned and the moon was in the house of the rising sun, your pocket aces are going to get cracked.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Your birthday is right around Christmas and New Year. You should be long used to life dealing you cruel blows. Don’t expect it to change at the poker table.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You can thank the hippies for the fact that the odds are definitely against NASA ever naming a space mission after your astrological sign. Beware of hairy hippies drinking SoCo at 9am.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Your sign is fish!!! You were doomed from birth! Go take up some other game!