Play Poker Like The Chemos
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In this amazing new book you will learn how to use cancer to your advantage at the poker tables. Felicia Lee Dyer will show you how you can beat the world�s best players using little more than your medical condition.
Here�s an actual excerpt from the book:
It was a tough match up but I made it to the final table heads-up against my nemesis, Ted Forrest. Ted is probably one of the best players alive but I had one thing going for me that Ted didn�t; cancer!
Felicia: Looks like you filled up, Ted. I hope you�re not going to bust me out here. I really need this money for my operation.
Ted: Yeah, right. Listen, I would bust my own mother out of a tournament. Hell, I just cracked my own grandmother in a heads-up freeze out last week.
Felicia: No, I know. It�s just that the doctor bills have been starting to pile up, ya know? I�m not sure I can stand another bad beat in life.
Ted: Hey, I�m sorry. I didn�t mean to come off like that. I was just joking around. I didn�t want to say anything but . . . it�s cancer, huh?
Felicia: Yeah. Bad beat. I�m just trying to pull one big win to get me through this. I mean, if I can win this tournament I just know that I can beat the cancer. I just need a boost. I need an edge. I need something to keep me motivated to keep fighting.
Mike Sexton: Vince, because of our WPT cameras we can see that Ted Forrest has the best hand. The only way Felicia can win this is to get him to lay it down and that�s very unlikely with the total nuts.
Vince Van Patten: I can�t believe that Ted is going to bust a chick with cancer. What an asshole!
Mike Sexton: Yeah, you�re right, Vince. It�s like they say; heading into white water can take a lifetime to learn but a monkey�s butt only smells in December.
Vince Van Patten: Mike, have you been hitting the bottle again?
Mike Sexton: As a matter of fact . . .
Felicia and Ted: Would the two of you shut the hell up!!! We�re trying to play a game here!
Ted casts his eyes downward. He knows he has the tournament won but he just can�t bring himself to pull the trigger. He mucks his hand.
Ted: Ah, I was bluffing. I didn�t have anything. You beat me fair and square.
Felicia: Sucker! What a total dumbass!!!! You laid down the nuts because of some boo-hoo story. What a total wuss!
Yes, you too can learn techniques just like the one Felicia used here. At $19.95 it�s a bargain at twice the price. Hurry (no really, if you have cancer you probably do need to hurry) order today! Besides, how can you not help out this poor little girl with cancer? Her life�s dream has been to have a best selling book. Can you deprive her of her dream?
DISCLAIMER: Before anybody starts freaking out and telling me what an insensitive jerk I am I offer the following:
a) Yes, I’m going to hell for this one so I figure I might as well prove myself worthy of a management position.
b) Felicia asked me to do it!!!! She even supplied the photos and suggested that a bandana might make her look more cancery. All I did was some PhotoShop (and not even very good PhotoShop) and add all of the extremely insensitive and inappropriate text.
c) She has seen it and thinks it’s funny as all hell.
License
This work is published under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 2.5 License.
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COMMENTS / 19 COMMENTS
Felicia added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 4:56 amFantastic! The only thing that would make it funnier is if I could stick around today to see all of the comments.
Can’t wait til I return from Phoenix!
Thanks, Bill!
Maudie added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 6:32 amWickedly funny - dare I quote that hackneyed, overused cliche? Yes, I dare - laughter is the best medicine… 8^)
sloshr added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 8:17 amThat is flippin hilarious! Way to play the cancer card!
Tom Bayes added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 9:36 amOne thing confused me about the story-why in the hell would Mike Sexton and Vince Van Patten be covering the final table of a 7-card stud tournament. We know that the Travel Channel would NEVER show stud and that Felicia would NEVER enter a WPT no-limit holdem event. They should be replaced with similar witless banter by Norman Chad, covering the final table of the WSOP stud event. The part about Felicia and Ted telling the announcers to shut up would still be perfect. Felicia could complain about the ESPN graphic scrambling her hole cards with the board cards
Terry Reed added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 10:21 amSo that’s what it feels like to have hot coffee shoot out of your nose…
Too funny.
4Flush added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 11:00 amI’m gonna have to go home and change after this one!
Wonder if its on the book shelves yet!
Eyeofsauron added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 5:10 pmThat is the funniest thing I’ve read in ages! Nice one!
Guy added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 5:49 pmFelecia having cancer may cause sympathy, but I really feel sorry for Ted, I mean his arm is all deformed and seems to have a slice of lemon and a knife smoldered into the flesh. Poor guy.
April added these pithy words on Mar 29 05 at 7:23 pmThis is awesome Bill. Sending to my friend who shares a similar diagnosis and outlook as Felicia - I think it will be very well received. So thanks to you both.
Glenn added these pithy words on Mar 30 05 at 4:17 pmWhere’s me ‘ead!!
Crimminy! Me ‘airs been chopped off ‘n’ gone black… me beard is gone… me nose is all bent ‘n’ I look like the hunch back o’ Notra Dame!
Bill!! How could ya?!?!?
Oooooh, that’s Ted’s Head… now I get it! Blonde moment, hehe, or was it a Polish moment?
Either way, really funny, Bill; thanks for the smiley
Glenn added these pithy words on Mar 31 05 at 2:04 pmWas going to edit my comment, but then found out, that I couldn’t!
For those of you that don’t know.. I’m Felicia’s husband and in this picture, Bill put Ted’s head on my body… thought it would be obvious to most, but I didn’t want to assume
BTW Bill, she’s read the post over at least twice more today, that I know of, and is STILL laughing! -grin-Thanks again
Charlie L added these pithy words on Apr 06 05 at 12:55 pmGreat!!!
Talk about hard-to-read: “I can’t decide whether to put you on a good hand or if that’s just the morphine drip kicking in.”
Keep up the good work. Your PhotoShop skills will improve with time.
Charlie L
Portland, Oregon
(When will the Diabetes type II book be out?)
BioTech added these pithy words on Jul 21 05 at 11:27 amMan I have been sitting on a Gold Mine. I have a Vegas Trip planned in August and I have Bone Cancer.
I have played my Cancer card many times before.I got a huge discount on a mower because I played my Cancer Card. I even got a sweet deal on a mini-van playing my cancer card. Salesman gave me his bottom dollar on the van then after I tossed in my Canver card I got an extra $1200 off the Van.
Now that my hair has grown back I might need to shave it back off for my trip to Vegas.
psychology added these pithy words on Oct 18 05 at 3:39 amOMG! This deserves further psychoanalysis from a trained counselor. . . just not sure whom to perform the analysis on =^)
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